January 26th marked a year since my mom’s passing. Five years since her death. It seems as if it’s been only a couple of years. I’m sure many of us have lost a parent or two so I don’t feel like the Lone Ranger. However, it doesn’t make me feel any less lonely just because I’m not “the only one”. Words of consolation at the time of her death didn’t make me feel any better either.
It’s still difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact I’ll never see or talk to her ever again. I saved the cassette tape of her messages to me on the answering machine. I’ve been able to listen to it only once since 2008. I didn’t listen to it this past January 26th. Too hard.
I never know what to say to people when someone they love has died. “Sorry for your loss” seems inappropriately diminishing, not enough by miles. I usually end up telling them how sad I was when my mom and dad died. Or I don’t say much at all. It’s like making small talk at a party. I’m just taking up sound space by talking and I’m not doing anything worthwhile by saying banal words of sympathy.
I know people mean well. So do I when I say, “I’m sorry”. If only it really could make them feel better, but I don’t think it does.